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[deaddrop]

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forward dated to after Natalia is gone and Bucky learns from a demon staff member

[endofcompliance]

[When he founds out Natalia is no longer in Hell, he's relieved in a way, for Natalia's sake. She didn't deserve to be in Hell, didn't belong there, and as long as she was there, she seemed just as hellbent on how much it was deserved as Natasha was.]

[However, he finds himself staring at the wall, that cold, empty, numb filling permeating through all of his emotions. The only thing that breaks through the hollowness is wanting to see Natasha.]

You home?

[Not that he's typically talkative, but that's all that he can muster at the moment.]

[deaddrop]

[Natasha knows when Natalia is gone. Apparently the other woman left her a couple of swords. Thoughtful, or something like that.

It's hard to know how to feel about it. Seems a little like being left something in a will.

A little investigation on the network confirmed it.

If it weren't Bucky calling, she might not have responded, preferring to be alone with her thoughts. But it is Bucky.]

For you? Always.

[endofcompliance]

[It's a good thing Natasha wants to be alone with her thoughts, because Bucky's not really in a talking mood.]

[He doesn't respond to her text, there's a knock on her suite not long after. The benefit to living in Steve's suite. He's always so close.]

[deaddrop]

[He doesn't have to wait long for Natasha to get the door for him, inviting Bucky in without another word.

She doesn't have to ask why he'd come over now, or why he'd be in a mood.

Instead, once he's inside, she'll lock the door behind him and head for the bar, tail flicking low behind her.]

[endofcompliance]

[Natasha heads to the bar, and not that Bucky doesn't want a drink, but he reaches for her from behind, to wrap his arms around her and pull her in tight, close to his body. She can't go anywhere like that.]

[deaddrop]

[The hold doesn't exactly come as a surprise, and Natasha doesn't fight it. The liquor will still be there later.

After a second, she leans back against him, tucking her head under his chin and covering his arm with her hand.]

I'm not going anywhere.

[She assures him in a very soft voice.]

[endofcompliance]

[Natasha leans into him like that, and Bucky bows his head further in an effort to cover her completely.]

[He gives a dark, watery chuckle.]

That's part of the problem. You get that, right?

[Way to hit on his guilt, the broken pieces, Natasha.]

[deaddrop]

[Natasha sighs softly and squeezes his arm. Her tail curls around his leg softly, reassuring. Or not.]

You know what I mean.

[And she knows what he means by that, too. But it is what it is.]

[endofcompliance]

Yeah.

[He's too distraught to argue with her. Too morose for jokes, just yet. There will be a point he needs them just to keep going, but for now, just the fact Natasha is solid and in his arms is all the reason Bucky needs to agree with her.]

Drinks? [Because it seems like she needs one, too.]

[deaddrop]

Yeah. When you're ready.

[She leans into him a little more, just for a moment longer.]

Unfortunately, I don't think we have anything that will take the edge off for you.

[endofcompliance]

Not yet. [He will be, though. Probably when she is. Bucky's hold on her tightens, his arms squeezing.]

Sometimes it works.

[It's always worth the chance, and the illusion, the taste on his tongue. If he has to, he'll go to the Club Penance bar later to get a hit from the demons. They know how to get him drunk, now.]

[deaddrop]

[She hums. She doubts it'll work that way, but she's not above trying, or above letting him pretend.]

You okay?

[She knows he isn't. It's clear he isn't.

Neither of them are.

But there are other reasons to ask.]

[endofcompliance]

[Any other time, with anyone else, he knows saying -]

I'm fine [would just be a lie. Somehow, with Natasha, it doesn't feel like it, because he knows she gets it. He knows he doesn't have to explain it to her. He knows she gets he wants to be okay, just like she does, so maybe it's good enough. For now, at least.]

You?

[deaddrop]

About the same.

[She admits softly.]

It's strange, right? Should probably be glad she got out.

[endofcompliance]

I am.

[At least, it's not untrue to say that.]

Doesn't make it easier.

[deaddrop]

Maybe because it's not really the same thing? Can be both at once.

[Natasha sighs, her nails gliding lightly over his arm as she does.]

Glad they're not here, but hurt to see them go?

[endofcompliance]

[He nods his head, she might feel that.]

And Nebula.

[Their time together might have been short, but she made enough of an impression on him.]

[deaddrop]

[Natasha nods at that as well. She's aware.

It's a less acute loss, but a loss all the same.]

She didn't belong here either.

[endofcompliance]

No. It was bad for her.

[It's bad for most people, at least in Bucky's mind. But he felt Nebula, especially.]

[deaddrop]

Not sure there's anyone it's good for.

[But some of them don't have any other options, do they? So Natasha probably shouldn't complain.]

[endofcompliance]

[He just kind of deserves it, doesn't he? And the options, well.... That's still something he wants to find a way to fix.]

Maybe not. [Maybe, he can afford to be direct on this one thing.] It's definitely not good for you.

[deaddrop]

[He does not deserve it. Natasha is very sure of that.

She leans into him a little more, blinking back the sudden mist of tears. That hits close to the bone, but she doesn't want Bucky to see that. He has enough to worry about.]

I got no where else to be.

[endofcompliance]

[He's been thinking of it for nearly two years. He even looked at Mammon's land as a real possibility. If nothing else, the existence of it proves there are better places than Penance.]

[Bucky's voice is pretty thick when he finally admits what he's been doing all this time:]

I have no intention of leaving you in this place without fixing that, first.

[deaddrop]

[She's not surprised he feels that way, but she didn't expect him to say it out loud.

Natasha sighs, leaning against him apologetically.]

I know you wouldn't, if you had a choice.

[endofcompliance]

[He never wanted to say it out loud. Part of him is pretty sure she might try to talk to him out of it. Push him to redirect. She might even feel guilty, take it on herself. That's the last thing Bucky wants.]

[But Natalia's departure has left him outright vulnerable.]

[Vaguely, he feels Natasha against him. He rubs her arms, absently.]

I want to make it so there is a choice.