deaddrop | Penance IC Inbox

I am.

[At least, it's not untrue to say that.]

Doesn't make it easier.

Maybe because it's not really the same thing? Can be both at once.

[Natasha sighs, her nails gliding lightly over his arm as she does.]

Glad they're not here, but hurt to see them go?

[He nods his head, she might feel that.]

And Nebula.

[Their time together might have been short, but she made enough of an impression on him.]

[Natasha nods at that as well. She's aware.

It's a less acute loss, but a loss all the same.]

She didn't belong here either.

No. It was bad for her.

[It's bad for most people, at least in Bucky's mind. But he felt Nebula, especially.]

Not sure there's anyone it's good for.

[But some of them don't have any other options, do they? So Natasha probably shouldn't complain.]

[He just kind of deserves it, doesn't he? And the options, well.... That's still something he wants to find a way to fix.]

Maybe not. [Maybe, he can afford to be direct on this one thing.] It's definitely not good for you.

[He does not deserve it. Natasha is very sure of that.

She leans into him a little more, blinking back the sudden mist of tears. That hits close to the bone, but she doesn't want Bucky to see that. He has enough to worry about.]

I got no where else to be.

[He's been thinking of it for nearly two years. He even looked at Mammon's land as a real possibility. If nothing else, the existence of it proves there are better places than Penance.]

[Bucky's voice is pretty thick when he finally admits what he's been doing all this time:]

I have no intention of leaving you in this place without fixing that, first.

[She's not surprised he feels that way, but she didn't expect him to say it out loud.

Natasha sighs, leaning against him apologetically.]

I know you wouldn't, if you had a choice.

[He never wanted to say it out loud. Part of him is pretty sure she might try to talk to him out of it. Push him to redirect. She might even feel guilty, take it on herself. That's the last thing Bucky wants.]

[But Natalia's departure has left him outright vulnerable.]

[Vaguely, he feels Natasha against him. He rubs her arms, absently.]

I want to make it so there is a choice.

I wish you could.

[Normally she wouldn't say that. She would try to talk him out of it.

And she might take more of this on herself. There's a part of her that would like to. That feels like it's her fault, as though she's... led him on somehow by having this relationship.

She closes her eyes. It seems as though anything she could say would just make this worse.

But it doesn't stop her. Maybe he's not the only one feeling vulnerable.]

I love that about you.

Maybe I'm just looking in the wrong places.

[His eyes feel warm, eyesight glassy to Natasha's words. He feels just as much guilt. Like he should have shut this down a long time ago, knowing he would have to leave her at some point.]

[Bucky closes his eyes and kisses her forehead.]

I love you.

[They weren't supposed to talk about this sort of thing. Bucky and she had an unspoken understanding about that, and it's been months since they tread too close to acknowledging it.

That time, she'd responded... poorly. To say the least.

Now she nestles closer to his chest, biting her lips.]

It's not like I want to stay here.

[She admits softly, her eyes closed.]

I wish it could be different. I wish... I wish it didn't feel like we're on the clock.

And I'm sorry.

[It's only natural this conversation come up, yet again. As the reminder either of them could leave at any moment was too blatant to ignore.]

I know.

[He didn't think she wanted to stay, just -] You have a bad habit of getting complacent about it, Tasha. Of just accepting your lot.

[Bucky shakes his head.] You have nothing to apologize for. If this is all we get, I'm going to make the most of it.

[That's been his attitude about it from the moment he realized what he really felt.]

I don't know what else to do, Bucky.

[That's all she can say. That's all she knows. She's doing her best—and she's losing herself as a result.]

I do want you to make the most of it though. I want to get the most out of this while it lasts.

You don't need to do anything.

[He holds her just a little tighter.]

That's all we can do, right now.

[Natasha sighs and nods. Until one of them leaves, this is what they have.

And perhaps she shouldn't be so sure it'll be her who stays behind, but the certainty remains the same. He'll go home. And Natasha... what? She'll end up working in the club, eventually, or some other part of Hell.]

I'm still sorry. For everything. I'm sorry I can't even seem to keep from growing wings.

I'm trying not to have it turn into hooves?

[He doesn't want to think that far ahead, imagine her alone, without him. Sure, she'll have other people, but...he never wants to imagine a time when Natasha doesn't have him.]

[Bucky starts shaking his head again.]

That's not on you. It's this place. It's doing messed up things to you. [He will forever believe that.]

That's easy for you to say.

[Natasha is a lot less sure. Especially considering some of the choices she's made, the way she's sold bits of her soul and they've seen how that turned out.

She can't promise she wouldn't do it again.]

Stay with me a while?

[He purses his lips together.] I know. I'm still saying it.

[At the same time, it's very much those choices Natasha makes, the reasons why she does what she does, that make Bucky certain she doesn't deserve Hell.]

Always. [Bucky gives Natasha a light squeeze.]

I should probably be the one comforting you, huh? You're the one who came here.

[Bucky shakes his head.]

Isn't this when we comfort each other?

I suppose it is. At least when we're not fucking.

[Which is often, but... usually that's less for comfort. Not at this point.

This is more likely.

It's nice.]

[His cheeks might not go red, but Bucky does look down, smile growing on his lips.]

That's not out of the question with comfort, right?

But I think I could use a drink, right now.

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