Penance IC Inbox

[deaddrop]

Text. Video. Voice.

Comments

[deaddrop]

I wish you could.

[Normally she wouldn't say that. She would try to talk him out of it.

And she might take more of this on herself. There's a part of her that would like to. That feels like it's her fault, as though she's... led him on somehow by having this relationship.

She closes her eyes. It seems as though anything she could say would just make this worse.

But it doesn't stop her. Maybe he's not the only one feeling vulnerable.]

I love that about you.

[endofcompliance]

Maybe I'm just looking in the wrong places.

[His eyes feel warm, eyesight glassy to Natasha's words. He feels just as much guilt. Like he should have shut this down a long time ago, knowing he would have to leave her at some point.]

[Bucky closes his eyes and kisses her forehead.]

I love you.

[deaddrop]

[They weren't supposed to talk about this sort of thing. Bucky and she had an unspoken understanding about that, and it's been months since they tread too close to acknowledging it.

That time, she'd responded... poorly. To say the least.

Now she nestles closer to his chest, biting her lips.]

It's not like I want to stay here.

[She admits softly, her eyes closed.]

I wish it could be different. I wish... I wish it didn't feel like we're on the clock.

And I'm sorry.

[endofcompliance]

[It's only natural this conversation come up, yet again. As the reminder either of them could leave at any moment was too blatant to ignore.]

I know.

[He didn't think she wanted to stay, just -] You have a bad habit of getting complacent about it, Tasha. Of just accepting your lot.

[Bucky shakes his head.] You have nothing to apologize for. If this is all we get, I'm going to make the most of it.

[That's been his attitude about it from the moment he realized what he really felt.]

[deaddrop]

I don't know what else to do, Bucky.

[That's all she can say. That's all she knows. She's doing her best—and she's losing herself as a result.]

I do want you to make the most of it though. I want to get the most out of this while it lasts.

[endofcompliance]

You don't need to do anything.

[He holds her just a little tighter.]

That's all we can do, right now.

[deaddrop]

[Natasha sighs and nods. Until one of them leaves, this is what they have.

And perhaps she shouldn't be so sure it'll be her who stays behind, but the certainty remains the same. He'll go home. And Natasha... what? She'll end up working in the club, eventually, or some other part of Hell.]

I'm still sorry. For everything. I'm sorry I can't even seem to keep from growing wings.

I'm trying not to have it turn into hooves?

[endofcompliance]

[He doesn't want to think that far ahead, imagine her alone, without him. Sure, she'll have other people, but...he never wants to imagine a time when Natasha doesn't have him.]

[Bucky starts shaking his head again.]

That's not on you. It's this place. It's doing messed up things to you. [He will forever believe that.]

[deaddrop]

That's easy for you to say.

[Natasha is a lot less sure. Especially considering some of the choices she's made, the way she's sold bits of her soul and they've seen how that turned out.

She can't promise she wouldn't do it again.]

Stay with me a while?

[endofcompliance]

[He purses his lips together.] I know. I'm still saying it.

[At the same time, it's very much those choices Natasha makes, the reasons why she does what she does, that make Bucky certain she doesn't deserve Hell.]

Always. [Bucky gives Natasha a light squeeze.]

[deaddrop]

I should probably be the one comforting you, huh? You're the one who came here.

[endofcompliance]

[Bucky shakes his head.]

Isn't this when we comfort each other?

[deaddrop]

I suppose it is. At least when we're not fucking.

[Which is often, but... usually that's less for comfort. Not at this point.

This is more likely.

It's nice.]

[endofcompliance]

[His cheeks might not go red, but Bucky does look down, smile growing on his lips.]

That's not out of the question with comfort, right?

But I think I could use a drink, right now.

[deaddrop]

The two things have been known to overlap.

[Natasha admits, then shakes her head slightly.]

Maybe especially when we're comforting each other. Drinks are better though.

You want vodka? Whiskey?

[endofcompliance]

[His smile tightens.]

Yeah. They do.

Whiskey. [Wherever they end up tonight, he's starting with whiskey.]

[deaddrop]

Whiskey it is.

[Natasha pulls a bottle out from her kitchen bar, carrying it over to one of her seating areas and plopping down on a sofa.

It's not a very prim or ladylike sit.]

[endofcompliance]

[As if Bucky was looking for ladylike at the moment.

He takes a seat by Natasha, one arm on the back of the sofa and reaches for the bottle.]

I take it we're just going to share?

[deaddrop]

I can go get glasses if you're worried I have cooties.

[Teasing gently, a little sadly.]

[endofcompliance]

[He laughs.]

We don't need glasses. [Aims to just outright take the bottle.]

[deaddrop]

[She passes it to him without protest before leaning back against the couch.

Maybe a little closer to him.

They deserve a little cuddle, right?]

Just don't drink it all.

[endofcompliance]

I won't. No point in drinking it all when it doesn't effect me.

[He takes a good gulp out of it, though, before passing it back.]

[They definitely deserve some cuddling.]

[deaddrop]

Maybe if you drink enough you will feel it. Your body can only work so far, right?

[She knows that's not how it works, but she can be... let's say optimstic about it.]

[endofcompliance]

You don't want that.

I'll have to down the whole bottle. Then another. And maybe whatever else you have here.

[There are some alcohols that work, but he demons at the bar seem to know which those are. Then there's the mead Thor had...but alas. Just another painful subject.]

[deaddrop]

[That is another sore spot, and Natasha doesn't really want to dig into it either...]

Drink as much as you want. I'm sure there will be enough leftover for me.