[He's been thinking of it for nearly two years. He even looked at Mammon's land as a real possibility. If nothing else, the existence of it proves there are better places than Penance.]
[Bucky's voice is pretty thick when he finally admits what he's been doing all this time:]
I have no intention of leaving you in this place without fixing that, first.
[He never wanted to say it out loud. Part of him is pretty sure she might try to talk to him out of it. Push him to redirect. She might even feel guilty, take it on herself. That's the last thing Bucky wants.]
[But Natalia's departure has left him outright vulnerable.]
[Vaguely, he feels Natasha against him. He rubs her arms, absently.]
[Normally she wouldn't say that. She would try to talk him out of it.
And she might take more of this on herself. There's a part of her that would like to. That feels like it's her fault, as though she's... led him on somehow by having this relationship.
She closes her eyes. It seems as though anything she could say would just make this worse.
But it doesn't stop her. Maybe he's not the only one feeling vulnerable.]
[His eyes feel warm, eyesight glassy to Natasha's words. He feels just as much guilt. Like he should have shut this down a long time ago, knowing he would have to leave her at some point.]
[They weren't supposed to talk about this sort of thing. Bucky and she had an unspoken understanding about that, and it's been months since they tread too close to acknowledging it.
That time, she'd responded... poorly. To say the least.
Now she nestles closer to his chest, biting her lips.]
It's not like I want to stay here.
[She admits softly, her eyes closed.]
I wish it could be different. I wish... I wish it didn't feel like we're on the clock.
[Natasha sighs and nods. Until one of them leaves, this is what they have.
And perhaps she shouldn't be so sure it'll be her who stays behind, but the certainty remains the same. He'll go home. And Natasha... what? She'll end up working in the club, eventually, or some other part of Hell.]
I'm still sorry. For everything. I'm sorry I can't even seem to keep from growing wings.
[He doesn't want to think that far ahead, imagine her alone, without him. Sure, she'll have other people, but...he never wants to imagine a time when Natasha doesn't have him.]
[Bucky starts shaking his head again.]
That's not on you. It's this place. It's doing messed up things to you. [He will forever believe that.]
[Natasha is a lot less sure. Especially considering some of the choices she's made, the way she's sold bits of her soul and they've seen how that turned out.
[He purses his lips together.] I know. I'm still saying it.
[At the same time, it's very much those choices Natasha makes, the reasons why she does what she does, that make Bucky certain she doesn't deserve Hell.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
[Bucky's voice is pretty thick when he finally admits what he's been doing all this time:]
I have no intention of leaving you in this place without fixing that, first.
no subject
Natasha sighs, leaning against him apologetically.]
I know you wouldn't, if you had a choice.
no subject
[But Natalia's departure has left him outright vulnerable.]
[Vaguely, he feels Natasha against him. He rubs her arms, absently.]
I want to make it so there is a choice.
no subject
[Normally she wouldn't say that. She would try to talk him out of it.
And she might take more of this on herself. There's a part of her that would like to. That feels like it's her fault, as though she's... led him on somehow by having this relationship.
She closes her eyes. It seems as though anything she could say would just make this worse.
But it doesn't stop her. Maybe he's not the only one feeling vulnerable.]
I love that about you.
no subject
[His eyes feel warm, eyesight glassy to Natasha's words. He feels just as much guilt. Like he should have shut this down a long time ago, knowing he would have to leave her at some point.]
[Bucky closes his eyes and kisses her forehead.]
I love you.
no subject
That time, she'd responded... poorly. To say the least.
Now she nestles closer to his chest, biting her lips.]
It's not like I want to stay here.
[She admits softly, her eyes closed.]
I wish it could be different. I wish... I wish it didn't feel like we're on the clock.
And I'm sorry.
no subject
I know.
[He didn't think she wanted to stay, just -] You have a bad habit of getting complacent about it, Tasha. Of just accepting your lot.
[Bucky shakes his head.] You have nothing to apologize for. If this is all we get, I'm going to make the most of it.
[That's been his attitude about it from the moment he realized what he really felt.]
no subject
[That's all she can say. That's all she knows. She's doing her best—and she's losing herself as a result.]
I do want you to make the most of it though. I want to get the most out of this while it lasts.
no subject
[He holds her just a little tighter.]
That's all we can do, right now.
no subject
And perhaps she shouldn't be so sure it'll be her who stays behind, but the certainty remains the same. He'll go home. And Natasha... what? She'll end up working in the club, eventually, or some other part of Hell.]
I'm still sorry. For everything. I'm sorry I can't even seem to keep from growing wings.
I'm trying not to have it turn into hooves?
no subject
[Bucky starts shaking his head again.]
That's not on you. It's this place. It's doing messed up things to you. [He will forever believe that.]
no subject
[Natasha is a lot less sure. Especially considering some of the choices she's made, the way she's sold bits of her soul and they've seen how that turned out.
She can't promise she wouldn't do it again.]
Stay with me a while?
no subject
[At the same time, it's very much those choices Natasha makes, the reasons why she does what she does, that make Bucky certain she doesn't deserve Hell.]
Always. [Bucky gives Natasha a light squeeze.]
no subject
no subject
Isn't this when we comfort each other?
no subject
[Which is often, but... usually that's less for comfort. Not at this point.
This is more likely.
It's nice.]
no subject
That's not out of the question with comfort, right?
But I think I could use a drink, right now.
no subject
[Natasha admits, then shakes her head slightly.]
Maybe especially when we're comforting each other. Drinks are better though.
You want vodka? Whiskey?
no subject
Yeah. They do.
Whiskey. [Wherever they end up tonight, he's starting with whiskey.]
no subject
[Natasha pulls a bottle out from her kitchen bar, carrying it over to one of her seating areas and plopping down on a sofa.
It's not a very prim or ladylike sit.]
no subject
He takes a seat by Natasha, one arm on the back of the sofa and reaches for the bottle.]
I take it we're just going to share?
no subject
[Teasing gently, a little sadly.]
no subject
We don't need glasses. [Aims to just outright take the bottle.]
no subject
Maybe a little closer to him.
They deserve a little cuddle, right?]
Just don't drink it all.
no subject
[He takes a good gulp out of it, though, before passing it back.]
[They definitely deserve some cuddling.]
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
Wrap? Unless we have an idea where else this is going?