[Natasha heads to the bar, and not that Bucky doesn't want a drink, but he reaches for her from behind, to wrap his arms around her and pull her in tight, close to his body. She can't go anywhere like that.]
[He's too distraught to argue with her. Too morose for jokes, just yet. There will be a point he needs them just to keep going, but for now, just the fact Natasha is solid and in his arms is all the reason Bucky needs to agree with her.]
Drinks? [Because it seems like she needs one, too.]
Not yet. [He will be, though. Probably when she is. Bucky's hold on her tightens, his arms squeezing.]
Sometimes it works.
[It's always worth the chance, and the illusion, the taste on his tongue. If he has to, he'll go to the Club Penance bar later to get a hit from the demons. They know how to get him drunk, now.]
[Any other time, with anyone else, he knows saying -]
I'm fine [would just be a lie. Somehow, with Natasha, it doesn't feel like it, because he knows she gets it. He knows he doesn't have to explain it to her. He knows she gets he wants to be okay, just like she does, so maybe it's good enough. For now, at least.]
[He does not deserve it. Natasha is very sure of that.
She leans into him a little more, blinking back the sudden mist of tears. That hits close to the bone, but she doesn't want Bucky to see that. He has enough to worry about.]
[He's been thinking of it for nearly two years. He even looked at Mammon's land as a real possibility. If nothing else, the existence of it proves there are better places than Penance.]
[Bucky's voice is pretty thick when he finally admits what he's been doing all this time:]
I have no intention of leaving you in this place without fixing that, first.
[He never wanted to say it out loud. Part of him is pretty sure she might try to talk to him out of it. Push him to redirect. She might even feel guilty, take it on herself. That's the last thing Bucky wants.]
[But Natalia's departure has left him outright vulnerable.]
[Vaguely, he feels Natasha against him. He rubs her arms, absently.]
[Normally she wouldn't say that. She would try to talk him out of it.
And she might take more of this on herself. There's a part of her that would like to. That feels like it's her fault, as though she's... led him on somehow by having this relationship.
She closes her eyes. It seems as though anything she could say would just make this worse.
But it doesn't stop her. Maybe he's not the only one feeling vulnerable.]
[His eyes feel warm, eyesight glassy to Natasha's words. He feels just as much guilt. Like he should have shut this down a long time ago, knowing he would have to leave her at some point.]
[They weren't supposed to talk about this sort of thing. Bucky and she had an unspoken understanding about that, and it's been months since they tread too close to acknowledging it.
That time, she'd responded... poorly. To say the least.
Now she nestles closer to his chest, biting her lips.]
It's not like I want to stay here.
[She admits softly, her eyes closed.]
I wish it could be different. I wish... I wish it didn't feel like we're on the clock.
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After a second, she leans back against him, tucking her head under his chin and covering his arm with her hand.]
I'm not going anywhere.
[She assures him in a very soft voice.]
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[He gives a dark, watery chuckle.]
That's part of the problem. You get that, right?
[Way to hit on his guilt, the broken pieces, Natasha.]
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You know what I mean.
[And she knows what he means by that, too. But it is what it is.]
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[He's too distraught to argue with her. Too morose for jokes, just yet. There will be a point he needs them just to keep going, but for now, just the fact Natasha is solid and in his arms is all the reason Bucky needs to agree with her.]
Drinks? [Because it seems like she needs one, too.]
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[She leans into him a little more, just for a moment longer.]
Unfortunately, I don't think we have anything that will take the edge off for you.
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Sometimes it works.
[It's always worth the chance, and the illusion, the taste on his tongue. If he has to, he'll go to the Club Penance bar later to get a hit from the demons. They know how to get him drunk, now.]
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You okay?
[She knows he isn't. It's clear he isn't.
Neither of them are.
But there are other reasons to ask.]
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I'm fine [would just be a lie. Somehow, with Natasha, it doesn't feel like it, because he knows she gets it. He knows he doesn't have to explain it to her. He knows she gets he wants to be okay, just like she does, so maybe it's good enough. For now, at least.]
You?
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[She admits softly.]
It's strange, right? Should probably be glad she got out.
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[At least, it's not untrue to say that.]
Doesn't make it easier.
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[Natasha sighs, her nails gliding lightly over his arm as she does.]
Glad they're not here, but hurt to see them go?
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And Nebula.
[Their time together might have been short, but she made enough of an impression on him.]
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It's a less acute loss, but a loss all the same.]
She didn't belong here either.
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[It's bad for most people, at least in Bucky's mind. But he felt Nebula, especially.]
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[But some of them don't have any other options, do they? So Natasha probably shouldn't complain.]
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Maybe not. [Maybe, he can afford to be direct on this one thing.] It's definitely not good for you.
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She leans into him a little more, blinking back the sudden mist of tears. That hits close to the bone, but she doesn't want Bucky to see that. He has enough to worry about.]
I got no where else to be.
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[Bucky's voice is pretty thick when he finally admits what he's been doing all this time:]
I have no intention of leaving you in this place without fixing that, first.
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Natasha sighs, leaning against him apologetically.]
I know you wouldn't, if you had a choice.
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[But Natalia's departure has left him outright vulnerable.]
[Vaguely, he feels Natasha against him. He rubs her arms, absently.]
I want to make it so there is a choice.
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[Normally she wouldn't say that. She would try to talk him out of it.
And she might take more of this on herself. There's a part of her that would like to. That feels like it's her fault, as though she's... led him on somehow by having this relationship.
She closes her eyes. It seems as though anything she could say would just make this worse.
But it doesn't stop her. Maybe he's not the only one feeling vulnerable.]
I love that about you.
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[His eyes feel warm, eyesight glassy to Natasha's words. He feels just as much guilt. Like he should have shut this down a long time ago, knowing he would have to leave her at some point.]
[Bucky closes his eyes and kisses her forehead.]
I love you.
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That time, she'd responded... poorly. To say the least.
Now she nestles closer to his chest, biting her lips.]
It's not like I want to stay here.
[She admits softly, her eyes closed.]
I wish it could be different. I wish... I wish it didn't feel like we're on the clock.
And I'm sorry.
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I know.
[He didn't think she wanted to stay, just -] You have a bad habit of getting complacent about it, Tasha. Of just accepting your lot.
[Bucky shakes his head.] You have nothing to apologize for. If this is all we get, I'm going to make the most of it.
[That's been his attitude about it from the moment he realized what he really felt.]
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Wrap? Unless we have an idea where else this is going?