[The force of Natalia's statement and the emotion behind it takes Natasha by surprise. Perhaps it shouldn't have considering the other Widow had felt strongly enough to bring his up in the first place.
It gives her pause. And she takes a second to dial back her own first reaction.]
Is there someone specific you're characterizing there, or is that a commentary on the general state of the sexual morality?
[ She waves a hand flippantly while taking another drink. ]
Nyet, just the general attitude of most. [ She snorts and gives Natasha A Look.] I was sleeping with Wade; clearly, I don't judge. But that doesn't mean I didn't still wish for more exclusive relationships. Sharing partners with others who are also having sex with those same people, it's...new territory.
[ Strange and sometimes uncomfortable territory. Interacting with Morse after Barton and Natalia had gone their separate ways wasn't the same thing as what was currently going on with Barnes, with Kenney. ]
[Natasha wisely does not remark that she'd also slept with Wade, if only the once.
Not that she thinks he would be the point of contention between them, if there was going to be one.]
While it's different from the aphrodisiacs and the mind control and the other very questionable situations that make sex less than voluntary, I'd say that's still difficult here. High stress environment, general lack of stability, any number of situations that actively encourage we to make bad choices...
[Or maybe bad is the wrong way to characterize it.]
Your confidence is endearing. [ Natalia reaches up to pinch the bridge of her nose, her sigh audible. It wasn't easy with Bucky either, but she means to be on the same page with everyone. ] This.. isn't the point, (she drops the hand and focuses on the floor) the thing I wanted to tell you is that sometimes it feels...it gets a little weird. The sharing and the being with two different versions of the same person. And I recognize that I'm the one making it weird, but I at least wanted it known.
[Natasha throws back another drink at that, her lips puckering slightly at the burn as she swallows.
She should just leave the lid off the bottle.]
All right. [Confidence might not be the word Natasha would use for it.] I won't pretend I don't know why that might be the case. It's out in the open now.
I'm not sure what you want me to do about it, though. I don't have a problem with keeping him out of conversation or otherwise... [Otherwise what? Natasha pours herself another shot, though she doesn't lift it yet.] ... Make it a point of contention, I suppose.
[ She gives up on her own glass and just takes to cradling the bottle in her lap, taking a pull before speaking. Natalia angles towards Natasha a little, body language opening some. She shrugs one shoulder. ]
I don't even know that I was necessarily looking for something to be done, honestly. I'm not asking anyone to stop being with the other, I'm not laying down ultimatums. Divorces are between the three of you, which, allow me to detour for a moment -- (features sort themselves into a wtf-ery face) did MamMom make you marry both of them or just Barnes?
Just Barnes. Small mercies, I suppose. [Adding Steve to the mix, and Steve as he is her, would be one more variable that Natasha does not want to deal with. He would be a whole other kind of painful, apart from Bucky.] He's planning to have ours annulled, for whatever that's worth. I don't know what he's planning with Rogers, but as far as our marriage goes.
Personally I think it's bold to assume annulment or divorce will be options, or easy options at least. I haven't exactly observed that to be the case with the casino weddings, so I don't see why it would be here.
[Raising her glass again, Natasha rubs her nose discreetly before taking the shot.]
But I suppose someone might as well be an optimist.
I don't understand how the shit Barbie enforced hasn't been reversed yet. It makes me nervous.
[ Natalia picks at nothing on her person, but she doesn't close herself off again. If anything she realizes into the position more fully, bending one leg beneath her and keeping the other lightly on the floor. ]
My adverse reaction also stems from the reminder that such things are possible back home for certain individuals. But for me, I won't be going to those homes. I don't have the liberty of marrying Barnes or Pearce anywhere but here.
[ And who the hell gets married in Hell?
Natalia is also blatantly aware that Natasha is also restricted to such things, what with being dead, though there's always the possibility, in the event Lucifer or God choose to grant either resurrection or a Heavenly afterlife. ]
[ Her snort is almost obnoxious, though it's not something maliciously aimed at Natasha - it's at the idea and its absurdity. ]
If we're going to abide by Christian logic, da. Sure. For all we know, the Other Guy has pull in certain areas. Though, a case could be made for divorce being possible given how "wrong" it is. [ Talia did the finger quotes, thighs clamped around the vodka to keep the bottle in place. ]
Be real for at least this answer; how are you doing?
Christian logic tends to be the rule around here. Though admittedly not without some embellishment.
[Though really, who knew? Natasha is guessing, the same as all of them.
The other part... Natasha doesn't answer immediately. It's not as easy for her to be honest in response, but it's also not so easy to lie face to face. Not to someone who has an inkling some of the ways this might be difficult.
Finally she shrugs.]
I've been been better. [A deep breath.] It's a hit. It'll take a minute to shake off.
[ Since they're already discussing him, Natalia is alright with continuing, with making this a rare occasion, and so she presses for more information. ]
How so?
[ To further emphasize that she's asking from a genuine place and not just for the sake of it, Talia leans across the space between them to top off Tasha's glass. Never mind that they've switched to the bottles. It's the gesture that matters. ]
[Natasha accepts the gesture, throwing back the shot. She hadn't really meant to get into the topic of Bucky, but considering the topic at hand, both the jealousy and the cause of Natasha's current mood, it's hard to avoid it entirely.
She weighs her words carefully before she says more. After tapping her glass lightly on the table two or three times:]
When he realized the situation was bothering me, he tried to let me take the lead. Be the one to decide if we fought and let ourselves be punished and forced into it or go along with the whole charade. To do right by my feelings. Normally that's not a bad instinct... [Natasha does like to be in control.]
I'm not really sure there was anything he could have done that would have helped just then. I snapped at him. He doesn't understand why.
[ Natalia sips whilst listening, an endearing smirk briefly taking over her features as Natasha tells her that Bucky was very much Bucky. Because of course he would have done that, would have gone along with whichever decision. ]
Is he aware of what happen before? With Barton?
[ Though it's concealed, she still looks in the general direction of her other self's tattoo, the one meant for Clint. ]
Natasha. [ She leans forward in an attempt to prompt their gazes meeting, her tone gently chiding. ] If anyone can understand being brainwashed, it's us. You and I have fake memories, his were erased. All three of us were the playthings of others until we broke free. And then to have this thing that was never really an option before accessible but again done without our consent, it's...[ eyes dart away for the moment ]...it's fucked up. It's a lot. They keep taking these major choices from us.
They do. And I won't say I don't think Bucky understands some of it. The general... understanding what it's like not to have freedom. To have all of your choices made for you, and the resent them.
[Natasha licks her lips. It's hard to talk about this even with Talia, who presumably understands better than anyone, even if their experiences haven't been exactly the same either.]
But Barnes had a normal life once, before the war. He had a family.
[They didn't, did they?]
He doesn't know what it's like to have this shit happen, have it happen again, and how much it hurts that it's the closest you'll ever get to the real thing.
You know during that thing with Clint, we had a kid? Assigned to us, naturally. [Widows don't get to be mothers.] He's here again. And even with everything, even knowing the whole thing was fake, I still care about him. Feel responsible for him. And no matter how much I hate that I was forced to feel that, I don't care about him less. But when I think about how I feel about him, I resent the whole thing more.
[She can't meet Natalia's eyes as she says that. For a moment, it feels too exposed.]
And the real kicker is that it's not the first time it's happened.
As much as Barnes does understand, as much as he wants to understand, I don't think it's possible to really get that. I know I don't, and I lived through it.
Yeah. He did. [ Softly spoken at first, the words that follow picking up in volume after a bit of a pause as Natalia remembers discovering that. That the Winter Soldier hadn't been an orphan who was 'rescued' or stolen or groomed. Her younger self had envied him sometimes. Only, it would have been that much more difficult for her life that came After. ] And while we can't give him the stereotypical family unit, that doesn't mean we can't be a different sort of family. [ Talia pushes air out of her nose to joke. ] Separately, even if I think of you as a sister and referenced this triangle like fucking a pair a twins.
[ It's only meant to temporarily lightened the mood, because of the severity of everything. There's partial truth to it, just the same. ]
He has the heart and patience to, if not learn how to understand, accept. I may allow my emotions to get the better of me at times with regards to our situation and that's my shit to deal with, but you know, it only further drives my belief that our souls always find a way to the other's. Soldiers and Spiders belong together, somehow.
You mentioned a kid. Who is he? If you're comfortable sharing.
Very much separately. [Natasha agrees with a little wavering humor of her own.] We don't have to make it that kind or porno.
[Even if it does still seem like a certain kind of licentious fantasy.]
You are taller, though.
[Easier to laugh about that part than the idea that there's some logic to it, some kind of gravity that pulls people together even across realities. If that's the case, what did that make the two of them, back in their own universe? A near miss?
Instead, she glosses on to the other question.]
Noah Czerny. He's a little bit of a brat and a little bit of a mess, but I'm doing my best with him.
[ She positively snorts at the throwaway porno comment. ]
Oh, well, thank goodness for small favors and that there's no other way to tell the two of us apart except for the height difference.
[ Talia even feels comfortable enough to toss in a wink before taking the time to fill their shot glasses and toss it back. ]
Not someone I know, then. I guess that's an actual small favor this round. Hell, all three rounds that I've been present for - that the overlords didn't attach a house and children to the unions.
I don't know that there would be enough children to go around. Luckily there don't seem to be many around and the ones there are are all at least teenagers. I suppose God takes mercy on the young.
[She says that very wryly.It would be a much harder time being in Hell if they were surrounded by actual children. And probably much harder to pretend this is the real thing.]
They'd rather have us play the role now, it seems. Not that that doesn't get weird enough on its own.
[ With a disturbed frown, Natalia's mind briefly delves into a darker territory, that there might be ways around that from clones to the demons themselves, but she doesn't think there's much reason giving these nightmare hypotheticals a voice. ]
About as weird as celebrating Christmas here.
[ The redhead moves to take a drink, only to pause with the bottle hovering near her lips. ]
You know, I should probably take the alcohol away from you and make you feel this. Deal with it more properly than through drink.
[ Eyes dart to the movement, but Natalia keeps a level tone. ]
A distraction is still a distraction and if alcohol has already been involved, then I don't think you're feeling it enough. We do better with clear minds to figure out the next steps. Mammon robbed you all of the option of consensus, so don't let him steal anything else. Find - (( deep breaths, Natalia, deep breaths )) Find something to take back.
I'm not that drunk. [Which is a statement, considering the amount she's had. But Natasha doesn't have a super soldier's metabolism, even if she's always had a high tolerance.] And I'm not giving up. I'm just... processing.
It's not just the wedding. That's the most recent thing, but it's month after month, choice after choice, and I'm tired of it.
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It gives her pause. And she takes a second to dial back her own first reaction.]
Is there someone specific you're characterizing there, or is that a commentary on the general state of the sexual morality?
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Nyet, just the general attitude of most. [ She snorts and gives Natasha A Look. ] I was sleeping with Wade; clearly, I don't judge. But that doesn't mean I didn't still wish for more exclusive relationships. Sharing partners with others who are also having sex with those same people, it's...new territory.
[ Strange and sometimes uncomfortable territory. Interacting with Morse after Barton and Natalia had gone their separate ways wasn't the same thing as what was currently going on with Barnes, with Kenney. ]
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Not that she thinks he would be the point of contention between them, if there was going to be one.]
While it's different from the aphrodisiacs and the mind control and the other very questionable situations that make sex less than voluntary, I'd say that's still difficult here. High stress environment, general lack of stability, any number of situations that actively encourage we to make bad choices...
[Or maybe bad is the wrong way to characterize it.]
Still a difficult place to be monogamous.
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She should just leave the lid off the bottle.]
All right. [Confidence might not be the word Natasha would use for it.] I won't pretend I don't know why that might be the case. It's out in the open now.
I'm not sure what you want me to do about it, though. I don't have a problem with keeping him out of conversation or otherwise... [Otherwise what? Natasha pours herself another shot, though she doesn't lift it yet.] ... Make it a point of contention, I suppose.
The wedding wasn't either of our idea.
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I don't even know that I was necessarily looking for something to be done, honestly. I'm not asking anyone to stop being with the other, I'm not laying down ultimatums. Divorces are between the three of you, which, allow me to detour for a moment -- (features sort themselves into a wtf-ery face) did MamMom make you marry both of them or just Barnes?
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Personally I think it's bold to assume annulment or divorce will be options, or easy options at least. I haven't exactly observed that to be the case with the casino weddings, so I don't see why it would be here.
[Raising her glass again, Natasha rubs her nose discreetly before taking the shot.]
But I suppose someone might as well be an optimist.
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[ Natalia picks at nothing on her person, but she doesn't close herself off again. If anything she realizes into the position more fully, bending one leg beneath her and keeping the other lightly on the floor. ]
My adverse reaction also stems from the reminder that such things are possible back home for certain individuals. But for me, I won't be going to those homes. I don't have the liberty of marrying Barnes or Pearce anywhere but here.
[ And who the hell gets married in Hell?
Natalia is also blatantly aware that Natasha is also restricted to such things, what with being dead, though there's always the possibility, in the event Lucifer or God choose to grant either resurrection or a Heavenly afterlife. ]
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[It is Hell, after all. Aren't they supposed to suffer? Or to be tested. Either way, really.]
Though I think the party line is that God loves marriage. Divorce, not so much.
[Maybe it's even true. Maybe they do enforce God's will in that respect. Isn't all of this allegedly God's will? But Natasha doubts it.
She's inclined to think it's just one more way to fuck with them.]
Believe me, I do sympathize with that.
[Considering this is the closest she expects to come to a real marriage.]
Yay, new icons!
If we're going to abide by Christian logic, da. Sure. For all we know, the Other Guy has pull in certain areas. Though, a case could be made for divorce being possible given how "wrong" it is. [ Talia did the finger quotes, thighs clamped around the vodka to keep the bottle in place. ]
Be real for at least this answer; how are you doing?
I am living for getting new icons.
[Though really, who knew? Natasha is guessing, the same as all of them.
The other part... Natasha doesn't answer immediately. It's not as easy for her to be honest in response, but it's also not so easy to lie face to face. Not to someone who has an inkling some of the ways this might be difficult.
Finally she shrugs.]
I've been been better. [A deep breath.] It's a hit. It'll take a minute to shake off.
I owe Barnes an apology.
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How so?
[ To further emphasize that she's asking from a genuine place and not just for the sake of it, Talia leans across the space between them to top off Tasha's glass. Never mind that they've switched to the bottles. It's the gesture that matters. ]
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She weighs her words carefully before she says more. After tapping her glass lightly on the table two or three times:]
When he realized the situation was bothering me, he tried to let me take the lead. Be the one to decide if we fought and let ourselves be punished and forced into it or go along with the whole charade. To do right by my feelings. Normally that's not a bad instinct... [Natasha does like to be in control.]
I'm not really sure there was anything he could have done that would have helped just then. I snapped at him. He doesn't understand why.
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Is he aware of what happen before? With Barton?
[ Though it's concealed, she still looks in the general direction of her other self's tattoo, the one meant for Clint. ]
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[And why would he? Bucky wasn't there when it happened, and it's not like she's really tried to explain it.]
I don't know that there are many people who would understand.
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[Natasha licks her lips. It's hard to talk about this even with Talia, who presumably understands better than anyone, even if their experiences haven't been exactly the same either.]
But Barnes had a normal life once, before the war. He had a family.
[They didn't, did they?]
He doesn't know what it's like to have this shit happen, have it happen again, and how much it hurts that it's the closest you'll ever get to the real thing.
You know during that thing with Clint, we had a kid? Assigned to us, naturally. [Widows don't get to be mothers.] He's here again. And even with everything, even knowing the whole thing was fake, I still care about him. Feel responsible for him. And no matter how much I hate that I was forced to feel that, I don't care about him less. But when I think about how I feel about him, I resent the whole thing more.
[She can't meet Natalia's eyes as she says that. For a moment, it feels too exposed.]
And the real kicker is that it's not the first time it's happened.
As much as Barnes does understand, as much as he wants to understand, I don't think it's possible to really get that. I know I don't, and I lived through it.
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[ It's only meant to temporarily lightened the mood, because of the severity of everything. There's partial truth to it, just the same. ]
He has the heart and patience to, if not learn how to understand, accept. I may allow my emotions to get the better of me at times with regards to our situation and that's my shit to deal with, but you know, it only further drives my belief that our souls always find a way to the other's. Soldiers and Spiders belong together, somehow.
You mentioned a kid. Who is he? If you're comfortable sharing.
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[Even if it does still seem like a certain kind of licentious fantasy.]
You are taller, though.
[Easier to laugh about that part than the idea that there's some logic to it, some kind of gravity that pulls people together even across realities. If that's the case, what did that make the two of them, back in their own universe? A near miss?
Instead, she glosses on to the other question.]
Noah Czerny. He's a little bit of a brat and a little bit of a mess, but I'm doing my best with him.
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Oh, well, thank goodness for small favors and that there's no other way to tell the two of us apart except for the height difference.
[ Talia even feels comfortable enough to toss in a wink before taking the time to fill their shot glasses and toss it back. ]
Not someone I know, then. I guess that's an actual small favor this round. Hell, all three rounds that I've been present for - that the overlords didn't attach a house and children to the unions.
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[She says that very wryly.It would be a much harder time being in Hell if they were surrounded by actual children. And probably much harder to pretend this is the real thing.]
They'd rather have us play the role now, it seems. Not that that doesn't get weird enough on its own.
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About as weird as celebrating Christmas here.
[ The redhead moves to take a drink, only to pause with the bottle hovering near her lips. ]
You know, I should probably take the alcohol away from you and make you feel this. Deal with it more properly than through drink.
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You think I'm not feeling it? [Natasha asks, her fingers wrapping around the neck of the vodka bottle.]
That's an interesting observation.
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A distraction is still a distraction and if alcohol has already been involved, then I don't think you're feeling it enough. We do better with clear minds to figure out the next steps. Mammon robbed you all of the option of consensus, so don't let him steal anything else. Find - (( deep breaths, Natalia, deep breaths )) Find something to take back.
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It's not just the wedding. That's the most recent thing, but it's month after month, choice after choice, and I'm tired of it.
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cw: mentions of abuse
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Fade out ;